so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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