remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
