I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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