So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
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Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
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Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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