stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
All the doctor said was why
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
