Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
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You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
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Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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