I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
