My liver just broke up with me...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
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She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
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I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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