I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
