The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
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Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
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All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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