Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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