I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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