We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
