Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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