he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
