what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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