Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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