oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
