I wish I only lived at night.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
