I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
