Will you blow on my dice?
420 ftw
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Can you bring me the toilet please
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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