Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
