i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
