Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
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I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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