You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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