before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Houston, we have a squirter
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
