The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
