Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
this just has baby written all over it
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
