Your face is a jimmy john
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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