Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
