i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I can't put those talents on a resume
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
