i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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