textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
