I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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