Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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