she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
