It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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