The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
