I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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