Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
