They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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