yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
