I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
