Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
