the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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