I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
