I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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