we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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