i jhust puked up my retainher.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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