I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
