remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
We named our party play list daddy issues
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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