Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
