I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Plural? Please tell.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
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sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
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allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You can't just leave with hair like that
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands