Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
