Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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