I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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