I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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