The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
