i just wanna soil my oats bro
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
