Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
