can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy