VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
