it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
